Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench, at the speed of light. Also, it removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects
in your shop onfire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped
hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps
neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future
use. One of the best examples of false advertising in naming a product to
entice buyers.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the wrong
side of the line.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screwsinto non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It
is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

NOW THAT'S FUNNY!

I really love the one about the vise-grips!
One time I got in an older Continental with a black guy to run an errand at breaktime at a plant.
I looked over and he had vise grips on the steering wheel column where you put it in gear from park.
I laughed so hard I bout pissed myself!